OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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