Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
whose parrot is this?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
