erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
