my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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