how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
