she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
