i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
