I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
