well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I pour the whiskey from now on
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
