Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
