Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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