from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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