I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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