now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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