woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
