Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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