I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
