Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
