high people should be assigned attendants
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
