I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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