You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
