Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
