i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
