I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
