YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
