i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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