I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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