Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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