I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
