Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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