so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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