just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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