I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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