I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
