My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
