No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
