tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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