Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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