I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
