sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
