Just fell off a train. Bad.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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