my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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