i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
