im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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