So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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