fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
