the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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