In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
