If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You were trust falling into bushes
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
