Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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