just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Is Oprah even human
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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