There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
